AN INTRODUCTION TO FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS

Here is some information about Constellations for those coming to the Constellations Workshop that I am facilitating on Sunday 10th November at 525, Jalan 17/13, Petaling Jaya.

What are Family or Business Constellations?

We are all part of human systems, whether in a family (including many generations back), a love relationship or a system of people who work together. These systems have very strong influence on our current behavior and feelings, either consciously and unconsciously.

Family Constellations is an energy and emotional healing modality that was started in the 1970s by Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist and former priest, while working with families as a family therapist.

Constellations have been found effective in working on all kinds of relationship issues, for example issues amongst family members, between romantic partners or in a business. It can also be used to explore the relationship that oneself has with issues such as health, money, addictions, unexplained anxiety or depression or fear of success. A helpful method to find a direction or make an important personal or professional decision, it is also very effective in assisting in physical healing process. 

Whether the issue is emotional, physical or practical in nature, Constellations can effectively bring insight and a feeling of resolution to the client, and even to their family, sometimes over multiple generations. Constellations must always be done with the positive intention of finding resolution for the client and not with the motivation of changing anyone else.

At the heart of the approach is the identification of hidden dynamics; how deep forces in the systems we belong to can influence our thoughts, behaviors and emotional experiences. In a Family or Business Constellation the underlying dynamics can be experienced visually and experientially,  so that existing energy can be transformed where necessary and imbalance in the system is released or reduced.

What is the Constellation Process?

The Constellation process uses body sensing to follow the trail of senses left by the entanglements between the people in the system. Entanglements cause unconscious restrictions and blockages of energy in the system. These unconscious patterns may lead to us sabotaging our relationships, self esteem and also our potential for success.

The process is experiential. It is not like counselling or coaching. It is not only a matter of understanding or logic. It is a it is a process that unfolds as a whole body experience that encompasses mind and feeling. Few words are necessary as we don't need to tell long stories.
A group of people who often do not know each other prior to the seminar meet in a circle with a facilitator. The client has a short discussion with the facilitator about the issue that they would like to look at. The facilitator will decide on the roles that will be represented in the constellation and invites the client to select representatives from amongst the people present to act the roles. The client then places the representatives in spacial relationship to each other according to his or her view of how the situation is.

The client sits back in the circle as the constellation unfolds and is guided by the Family Constellation facilitator. Those who represent family members begin to feel the emotions, fears and desires of the persons concerned.The facilitator works sensitively with the representatives to unravel the dynamics of the situation. Through this method disharmony comes to light. In a very remarkable and astounding way, the true story of the family is expressed and clearly seen for the first time.

The facilitator works with the those who are “playing” the roles until everyone in the constellation is more comfortable and the client is able to experience a new perspective on the situation. Once a resolution is found through the representatives, this causes a real shift in the client emotionally and also at a deep soul level, so that the real situation also becomes more comfortable and harmonious. The resolution filters to those people in the issue that are not present. This is not psychodrama as the participants are not acting but they are responding to the energy of the Constellation.

How does it work?

Once the client’s situation is physically represented, an energy field develops that the representatives can feel and respond to, which Hellinger terms as the “knowing field”. We all have a basic “knowing” of the natural order in any system, and are sensitive to the disruptions of that order. The knowing field becomes a guiding force for unfolding the issue and also reveals possible solutions.


The Family Constellation view is that each person in a family or any group are connected by group energy, or a “collective consciousness”, which Hellinger calls soul energy. This means that each member within a family group has an effect on the other members in the group, via the genetic trail or soul energy by which we are linked. Newer members can be greatly affected by what has gone before them in previous generations. Some event or situation may have taken place several generations before your birth, that was perhaps not accepted or acknowledged by the family in general. This will usually manifest as guilt or shame by the “greater soul” or life force of the family group and taken on by individuals in later generations. This is done in an unconscious attempt to relieve the burden from the rest of the family and may result in such things as a range of mental and physical illnesses, depression, or addiction or disturbed relationships patterns. 

Family Constellations seeks to allow the present generations to be free of these past influences by acknowledging their existence and uncovering the love connections. This is done in an intuitive, sensitive and gentle way.

Consider all of the particles of water in a pond as individual souls in a family network. When a ripple flows through the pond it flows through to each drop. In a family system, if all of the members are acknowledged in their rightful place and take full responsibility for their decisions and actions in life, then love will be able to flow freely throughout the system and the later generations will feel loved and connected and free.

In family constellations, once some fundamental principles are acknowledged such as :

·       The natural order of the system allowed to be re-established

·       The individuals, that have been excluded are acknowledged

Working on many levels for deep healing.

The Family Constellation process works on many levels simultaneously, going much deeper than

counselling or hypnotherapy. For the client and the representatives who ‘play’ the roles of others, the family constellation is a deep experience. Irrespective of our age, each of us is a child, and what a child wants more than anything else is to find harmony within the family.

Constellations work:

Intellectually- understanding root causes of an issue
Visually - seeing the spatial arrangements and movements of the representatives Physically- representatives can experience physical sensations and shifts
Emotionally- through the feelings of the representatives and yourself.
Unconscious - patterns are seen and felt

Soul- we become more aware of the natural inclinations and movements of the soul

During a Constellation it is common for people to have insight into themselves, their family and the issues that they are exploring. Sometimes the results are not so plain or visible and it may take time to manifest and develop. These changes happen slowly as the soul moves slowly.

As we are all connected, doing a Constellation for yourself, standing in as a Representative or even just observing a Constellation is usually moving: it can touch places in us that need and are open for healing, and that is what we receive.

In memory of Kevin Tan, a heroic rescuer

Last night I went to the memorial service for Kevin Tan, one of the founders and principle partners of OpenSky Unlimited, a boutique adventure tour company in Malaysia. Kevin tragically drowned while successfully rescuing a client who was in distress while swimming at a remote jungle waterfall called Lata Hammer in Pahang.

I cannot claim to have known Kevin very well, but I think I might just about make it over the edge to qualify for the category of friend. Over the years I have talked to him at my adventure races, seen the distant tail-end of him at mountain bike rides or bumped into him unexpectedly at things like team building events. I know him as a fellow adventurer and outdoor professional, and of course I know him as half of the Golden Couple of exquisitely beautiful Adele and heartthrob handsome Kevin.


Like many in the outdoor adventure and racing world here in Malaysia, I have basked in the reflected glow of the domestic happiness of this beautiful, talented and loving couple. And rejoiced from a distance at the arrival at each of their beautiful young children, Zoe and Lukas. 

Somehow as we participate in Adele's races or shared Kevin's adventures we can't help but feel part of this Golden Family they have created. For no matter whether we are an acquaintance or best friend, they always brimmed over with their huge enthusiasm for the adventure of climbing the next hidden mountain or being the best person you can be as you cross that finish line. To know either of them is to know their joy and passion, their energy and enterprise and their velvet-glove tough professionalism that gently demanded that we bring the best of ourselves to whatever we did with them. 

I say I did not know Kevin very well as in his mobile number is not in my contact book, but I do know that he was a kindred spirit. I know he was a man who was uplifted by the view of a cloud covered mountain and that the sound of distant falling water in a jungle would thrill his blood. I know he was someone who knew how painful your throat can feel as you slog up a hill; a man who knew the satisfying click from a good piece of gear and the bittersweet joys of dealing with clients in the outdoors. I know he was a parent who spoke with love and pride about his children and I remember the expressions on his face as he talked about them. And then I think to myself that perhaps I did know more about him than I realise and that it is truly a blessing to have known what I did of him. 


This year I had the privilege of training Kevin and Amos on a three-day swiftwater rescue technician course under Rescue 3 International. It's a course designed for outdoor guides and rescue professionals on survival and rescue techniques in fast moving water. I can honestly say that both partners were among the most competent people that I have ever trained. Kevin was strong, smart and had exceptional leadership skills.

Ironically Rescue 3 International was started more than 30 years ago when a Californian river guide perished in a rescue. The stated mission of Rescue 3 is "to stop rescuers from becoming victims themselves". And so Kevin's shocking death has made me reflect quite seriously on the whole business of rescue.


There is this moment as a rescuer when you come upon a scene and you see someone drowning in front of you and you know that if you did nothing they will die.  You know it with every fibre of your being, you know it in the pit of your stomach. It is a long and chilling moment. All the fun and laughter and joy of being in the outdoors turns to ice in your veins and you realise, “This is real danger here”.

And in the space of a heart beat, you have to decide – “What shall I do?” 


It happened to me once, almost 20 years ago.  I was on a whitewater kayaking trip and I saw someone kayak down a small channel that they should not have. I ran up to them and I saw that this woman tumbing and being circulated in the backwash of a small, harmless looking pourover only about 3 feet high.   


It took me a micro second to realise that I had screwed up and my hands were empty. I had no throw rope, not even a paddle. I could see in my minds eye my throw bag basking in the sun tied to my kayak on the far side of the rapid. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I remember that moment of cold chilling realization that this woman could drown right in front of me. SHE IS GOING TO DROWN. I remember that fraction of a second when I had to make a decision. I remember it being as fast as the blink of an eye and as long as eternity. 


I jumped into the water. And the moment I was in the water I remember thinking I AM SO STUPID.  I was in big trouble and I was afraid. Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. The words filled my head. But I didn’t have much time for that because I was fighting with every muscle in my body to stay afloat and out of the circulation. The current was pulling on my legs, on every part of my body.  I remember seeing the woman bob up suddenly in front of me and I reached out and miraculously managed to grab her and pull her out of the circulation.  I held on to her lifejacket and we were pulled down underwater together.

It was as if we were suddlenly plunged into darkness. The frothy water around me went dark as we were pulled downwards. I remember my ears popping with the pressure of the depth.  I could feel myself dragging along the river bed. Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. I remember the silence of that black underwater and how different it was from the turmultous roar of whitewater. It was white before and now it was black. Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. I remember waiting and I remember how my heart beat in my chest as I waited.
 
And then I came up into the air. The blessed air. By the Grace of God I came up. 


There is not much more to tell of that story. I remember afterwards panting like a mad dog on the river bank, my head pounding from the lack of oxygen. The client was shaken and walked every rapid after that, but we didn’t speak of the incident. We kind of just nodded at each other afterwards. My kayak buddy came up upon me and asked rather nonchalently, “Are you ok?”. Nothing really looked that amiss. The tiny innocuous waterfall still looked the same. The river still flowed on. 

There is this moment. A tiny enormous moment between fear and choice. A moment when all hangs in the balance.


For Kevin Tan, being the man that he was, I know in my heart that he made his choice the way he lived his life – with powerful determination and vast love in his heart.